1. Grasp your cat firmly in your arms. Cradle it’s head in your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently. "That’s a nice kitty." Drop the pill into it’s mouth.

2. Retrieve the cat from the top of the lamp and the pill from under the sofa.

3. Follow the same procedure as in 1, but hold the cat’s front paws down with the left and the back paws down with the elbow of the right arm. Poke the pill into its mouth with the right forefinger.

4. Retrieve the cat from under the bed and get a new pill from the bottle.

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have the cat firmly cradled in the bottle-feeding position,sit down on the edge of a chair, fold your torso over the cat. Bring your right hand over your left elbow, open the cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is dow by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.

6. Leave the cat hanging on the drapes. Leave the pill in your hair.

7. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here, anyway? Retrieve the cat and the pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who’s the boss here, anyway?" Open the cat’s mouth, take the pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos!

10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. spread the towel on the floor.

11. Retreive the cat from the kitchen counter and the pill from the potted plant.

12. Spread the cat on the towel near one end with it’s head over the long edge.

13. Flatten the cat’s front and back paws over it’s stomach. (Resist the impulse to flatten the cat.)

14. Roll the cat in the towel. work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to the cat’s head. Press it’s mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop the peel into the cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.

17. Vaccume up the loose fur (the cat’s). Apply bandages to the wounds (yours).